Episode 5: The Wards of Sadness

In a previous life, chasing my dreams on Panic Room 7A+ which I sent just weeks before the accident Photo by Dan Bates

At the end of the first two weeks in ICU I wasn’t exactly out of the woods yet, but the canopy was starting to thin. The doctor was confident that they wouldn’t need to amputate the left leg as well, the major life and leg saving surgeries were done. My body could now focus on healing, to close the envelope before moving onto fixing the bones. The Monday and Tuesday passed with no new drama, the same unpleasant ben pans, semi-sleep and pain. My temperature was still spiking up into the 38’s at times although my blood markers of infection had apparently begun to drop. I went for what I was told would be the last dressing change in theatre, whilst there was more pain after coming out it wasn’t nearly as bad as the actual operations. I was also starting to wean off the IV drugs in preparation for the ward transfer. The lower level of care would mean that I would need to come off the more dangerous IV stuff and onto Targinact, a powerful oral Opioid. By Thursday my temperature had stabilized and the infection markers in the blood test still continued to fall. A good sign that the infection had been slain.

On Friday I transferred to a normal ward where my wounds would heal. The doctor would monitor them and call for transfer to the next hospital where the orthopaedic surgeons (Bone Doctors) would work on fixing the gap in my tibia.

The epic Journey through the narrow gates of ICU had ended and without the hardcore cocktails of IV drugs and constant surgeries my consciousness stabilized. For the first time my consciousness was exposed, fully and unveiled, to the full devastation the Nothing had left in its path. Choose what ever definition you wish, Self, Identity, Core, what it is to be whoever I was, it was so apparently destroyed that it doesn’t matter. What had once been a focused, spinning, moving, cohesive whole had hit some kind of phenomenological obstacle in its timeline and was shattered into fragments much like the rocks floating in the void when Fantasia was destroyed. My Ego jumped desperately between the larger fragments, frantically seeking the Ivory tower as remnants of who I was crashed unrestricted and unbidden into other parts of me.

Only the Auryn didn’t guide me to the ivory tower, that would remain hidden for many days to come

The day outside looked warm, the softer light of the late winter afternoon bathed Signal Hill in a beautiful light, above its slopes paragliders lived out their dreams, chasing life and thermal alike. It was a Friday and the conditions looked good. The climbers in Cape Town would be scrambling to get to their projects before the light fades, I was no longer one of them. I had endured psychological pain before, I had been humbled and forced to change who I was, that was dark, but I had persisted. I though perhaps, fortified as i was, I could weather this, I was wrong. My leg was buzzing sharply from the movement from transferring wards. Without the IV drugs my whole body was tingling, aware of every touch, my body ached from the immobility, pain from moving and pain from remaining still. But all that seemed to fade as I looked out that window. Did I need this? Had I not been humbled enough? To what end was all this suffering? As the sun set softly, warmly, invitingly like some kind of sick cosmic joke, I cracked. Memories, dreams, fragments of me came crashing into my consciousness, each time exposing the damage anew. The shockwaves of psychological pain slammed into me, forcing shudders as I cried. I broke that night, there in the artificial darkness of the hospital. I had been forced through the bottom, beyond the meta-structure of life, to a place so chaotic that only raw emotion could exist. A kind of fatal, existential sadness was all I could feel. A sadness that was connected to all things through death. The Sadness of the complete destruction of future, of dreams and of Love. The Sadness that called to the End.

The week after that night felt like eternity, busy with the tasks of living, bedpans, eating, physio (which basically involved me waving my arms around and sit-ups). The days stretched, blank and meaningless, as nothing of the path forward revealed itself. There was progress of a sort in healing and movement with physio and I learnt midweek that the orthopedic surgeon would come to see me on the Friday (an event that would eventually reveal some of the path forward). There were however some moments that broke the tedium during this week in the underworld.

Dressing change on the stump Photo by Dr Carlien Wassermann

The Doctors changed the dressing whilst I was awake for the first time on Saturday. The anticipation of the potential pain to come was in fact worse than the event itself. Horrified as I was, I confronted every new sight. Seeing the shape and devastation of flesh for the first time was macabre to say the least. The poles of the external fix which held my lower leg in place could be seen extending deep within the muscle to the bone as they penetrated openings in the skin. Once they were powerful machines carrying me into the future, now one was gone and what was left of the other was shattered into pieces, desperately clinging to life.

Dressing change of the shattered left leg Photo by Dr Carlien Wassermann

Tuesday was a day with many people, I saw friends and family and Drs including the trauma surgeon and orthopedic surgeon who screwed my knee back together. In as much as seeing friends and family saved me, the doctors vague answers plagued me. There was talk of possibly a year for the bones to heal. I had no real idea what this meant but the answers weren’t forthcoming. A year in hospital? A year of lying in a bed? Could I do that? I didn’t think so. The doctors assured me that the answers were coming and that there was a path, but lost as I was I could not see it. What was once a life defined by passion and drive was suddenly an empty meaningless vessel with no direction. Frustration infused itself in to the sadness as the nights tormented me. Lying broken in a hospital bed I was forced to witness, again and again, the death of what was.

The dressing change on Thursday was easier and coming off antibiotics after a full 28 days since they were first administered the day I arrived was progress indeed. I also transferred into a wheelchair for the first time, progress for sure. I had been quarantined in the ward as I had been contaminated by some wound colonizing bacteria from the hospital, it was apparently not infecting my wounds however (I don’t understand it either). Confined as I was, despite being in a wheelchair, I could not go further than another spot next to the window in the same room. The same view of signal hill with its paragliders chasing their fucking dreams. I mean thanks God, thanks for this Grief. What was once enthusiasm and a love of life was now replaced by bitterness. Where before I would wake in the morning and say ‘Hell yeah’, I now awoke each morning longing for the Hell to end. By the end of the day I was overwhelmed but also exhausted, I hadn’t slept at all the previous night and the emotions had defeated me. The doctor gave me a different combination of sleeping drugs, thankfully it worked and I found myself pulled by sleeps embrace.

What I was had died, I was no longer the active, climbing, purposeful person I had worked to create, that was clear at least. Who I was I had no idea, pieces scattered in the sand in shadow. I doubted I would be able to reassemble what was left, definitely not something that I’d recognise. Death is never an easy thing to witness and it had taken all of me to pass through that gate. The damage was complete. And I could not bear it.

Finally I slept, I could cry no more and the world disappeared. There was no telling what trials the morning would bring, or who would face them.

140 thoughts on “Episode 5: The Wards of Sadness”

  80. When someone writes an article he/she retains the plan of a user
    in his/her brain that how a user can understand it. Thus
    that’s why this piece of writing is great. Thanks!

    Have a look at my webpage: delta 8 thc

    Reply

  96. Hello, Neat post. There’s an issue with your site in web explorer, could test this?
    IE nonetheless is the market leader and a
    large component to other folks will pass over your excellent writing because of this problem.

    Also visit my blog post; buy cbd

    Reply

  98. Hey there! Quick question that’s completely off topic. Do you know how to make
    your site mobile friendly? My web site looks weird when browsing from my iphone 4.
    I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this problem.
    If you have any suggestions, please share.
    Cheers!

    Here is my web-site … best delta 8 thc

    Reply

  101. When someone writes an post he/she retains the image of a
    user in his/her mind that how a user can know it.

    Therefore that’s why this piece of writing is outstdanding.
    Thanks! 0mniartist asmr

    Reply

  102. Your style is very unique compared to other folks I have read stuff
    from. Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess
    I’ll just bookmark this site.

    Reply

  103. I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any
    interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me.
    In my opinion, if all site owners and bloggers made good content as you
    did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

    Reply

  105. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I
    thought this post was great. I do not know who you are but definitely
    you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!

    Reply

  108. When I originally commented I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment.
    Perhaps there is a way you can remove me from that
    service? Thanks a lot! 0mniartist asmr

    Reply

  109. Right here is the right web site for anybody who would like to understand this topic.

    You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want to…HaHa).
    You certainly put a fresh spin on a subject that has been written about for a long time.

    Great stuff, just wonderful!

    Reply

  111. Hello, I think your website may be having internet browser compatibility issues.
    Whenever I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine however when opening in Internet Explorer, it
    has some overlapping issues. I simply wanted to give you a quick
    heads up! Besides that, excellent website!

    my website – best delta 8 thc gummies

    Reply

  112. whoah this blog is wonderful i really like studying
    your articles. Keep up the great work! You understand, a lot of
    individuals are searching round for this info, you
    could aid them greatly.

    Reply

  113. An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you should write more on this topic, it might not be a taboo subject but generally people are not enough to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers

    Reply

  114. Do you mind if I quote a couple of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back
    to your weblog? My blog site is in the very same niche as
    yours and my visitors would truly benefit from some of the information you
    present here. Please let me know if this alright with you.

    Many thanks!

    Reply

  115. Hi! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly?

    My site looks weird when browsing from my iphone4.
    I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to correct this issue.
    If you have any suggestions, please share. Appreciate it!

    Reply

  116. Nice post. I was checking continuously this blog and I am impressed!
    Extremely useful information specifically the last part :
    ) I care for such information much. I was seeking this particular information for a very long time.
    Thank you and good luck.

    Reply

  117. My spouse and I stumbled over here different web address and thought I might as well check
    things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to
    looking over your web page repeatedly.

    Reply

  118. Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just
    your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental
    and all. But think about if you added some great graphics or videos to give your posts more,
    “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and clips, this site could certainly be one of the
    best in its field. Wonderful blog!

    Reply

  120. Hello, of course this piece of writing is actually fastidious and I have learned lot of things
    from it concerning blogging. thanks.

    Reply

  121. It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the future
    and it’s time to be happy. I have read this post
    and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things or advice.
    Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article.

    I want to read more things about it!

    Reply

  124. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the web the
    simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely
    get annoyed while people consider worries that they
    plainly do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined
    out the whole thing without having side effect , people
    can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

    Reply

  127. I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up!
    I’ll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back down the road.
    All the best

    Reply

  128. Hi there would you mind stating which blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m having a hard time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
    The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking
    for something completely unique. P.S
    My apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

    Reply

  129. This design is steller! You most certainly know how to keep a
    reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!)
    Great job. I really enjoyed what you had
    to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
    Too cool!

    Reply

  131. Very good wig, it is very useful to increase the hair volume, and solves my worries; after wearing it, the whole personality has changed, and it looks very young and I am very satisfied with a shopping.

    Reply

  135. [url=https://bpviagra.com/]rx sildenafil[/url] [url=https://cialisix.online/]cialis for daily use 5 mg cost[/url] [url=https://flomaxpill.online/]noroxin price[/url]

    Reply

  137. [url=https://tadalafilpak.com/]cialis 20mg uk online[/url] [url=https://amviagra.online/]viagra brand name generic drug[/url] [url=https://viagrampt.online/]order generic viagra from canada[/url] [url=https://pharmacytopp.online/]legal online pharmacies in the us[/url] [url=https://pillcialis.com/]cialis[/url] [url=https://elitadalafil.online/]cost of cialis 5mg pills[/url]

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *